Pecans and other finely ground items.... Earlier this year Adriane decided she was going to help her roommate Cristy out by chopping up some nuts for a salad. So she got out her blender. I'm not sure she had ever used her blender before, and therefore did not know its full potential. So she stuck some pecans in there and pushed "start." What resulted was not the intended product. It was more like pecan puree than coarsely chopped nuts. Woops. In short, I feel like those poor pecans. After breaking down Saturday night after seeing "The Sound of Music," at our local theater, my brother Chris described this time in my life as "an emotional blender." I couldn't agree more. Though this week has been wonderful to catch up with friends and family, it has also been an extreme emotional blender/roller coaster time. (and we're talking the kind of coaster that's just about .2 G's away from killing you...) I miss living in America. I don't miss everything about the culture by any means, particularly the selfish attitude that 99% of the population subscribes to (unfortunately, I should probably be included in this number). But, I miss everyone here. My family, my friends, and the openness with which I can talk to a perfect stranger. There's still a mask, mind you, but it's a lot thinner here. It's ok to not be cheery all the time. What's hard about feeling this way is that I feel like I want to be "on" for all of the people I only have a small window of time with. I fear I have failed in this regard. I know I have not been able to emit anything close to "myself" because I've been so focused on other things. I've had fun. I've laughed. But I've not been able to pry the "Hollyness" out for too many to see. My brother Nathan reminded me last night that no matter what culture I'm in, I need to "act the part, but maintain who I am." The only problem is, I'm not sure who that is. After returning from a trip to Toledo with the said brother, I opened my Bible to Hosea 6:1 and sort of began to spew liquid from my eyes: "Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds." I know in my life I try to fill my sense of "self" or "self-worth" with things other than God, and he isn't too happy about it. So he gets proactive. And starts blending. I hope and pray that he'll take the fruit smoothie that is my heart and mind and add some congealer to it this year. I hope to return next year more confident of who I am in Christ than when I left, not less. I hope to come back closer to the Lord than when I started. Year number two: here we come. God, I hope you know what you're doing.