Fighting for Meaning Ok, I need some venting time. Not because I’m not grateful for what God’s doing in my life, but just because I’m at a period of transition again. To be honest, I love my kids, I love the atmosphere of my schools, I love that I can understand a lot of Japanese, but…well, I’m back to being really bored and finding little meaning in what I do. I mean, seriously, my job, when I’m not teaching or planning by myself, anyway, is not very hard. When I first came here, I found ways to make it meaningful, like by watching people, learning the culture, reading books about Japan, studying Japanese, etc. But now, well, I have two months (actually, less) left at school, and those things just seem to be kind-of a waste of time. Coming to school seems like a waste of time—especially when I have TWO THOUSAND things I could be doing outside of school that hold a lot more importance in my heart and really, really need to get done (for example, talking to people back home, preparing for our upcoming Easter program, cleaning, writing applications, working on other grad school stuff, the list goes on…) Not that the relationships at school are unimportant, but I find it ironic that today the most meaningful part of my time at school was helping my head teacher pick out a wedding dress from a catalogue. I’m not kidding. That is my wonder for the day: helping Tamaki sensei decide on a wedding dress (which was really fun). The rest of my day consisted of spending two hours dragging out making a worksheet to put verbs into past-tense and having kids repeat things like “You are happy. You look happy. You are sad. You look sad,” after me for an hour. The rest of my day? Staring off into space, thinking about whatever decided to pop into my head. Not rocket science. I need a new job. Maybe I’ll start studying Japanese again. Actually, maybe that’s a good idea. Maybe I’ll start studying Japanese again…it would keep me from dwelling on ambiguous things that make me want to go insane. Ambiguous things are not good to dwell on…EVER. Japanese is nice and concrete. So much so that it makes their system of studying English way too much like math. But…even math even sounds stimulating right now. So…Friday, I think I’ll bring my Japanese textbook. Jyaa...to not going insane: gambarimasu!

The Equipment to Serve So…spaz week is over, thank the Lord—and I think my teammates and all those in any kind of contact with me in the last 7 days would say the same thing, too. I think I’m finally caught up on everything, and I can focus on things that are important, like the Easter program. We’re having a meeting tonight to plan out the motions for a skit we’re doing. Of course, the two men in the group will be God the Father and Jesus. We have to use Trish as the Holy Spirit. I think God will forgive us if there’s any kind of gender/theological incorrectness there. J But, I’ve been processing a lot about direction in our lives from Christ. I’m reading a book called Experiencing God right now, and, although I think this guy has a lot of good things to say, I question how “always true” it is…as I do with most things in life, I guess. He seems to be saying (granted, I’m only 1/3 of the way through the book, so…) that when God calls you to something, He doesn’t base it on your gifts, but He gives you what you need to finish the assignment. I get this. It goes back to the expression, “God doesn’t call the equipped; He equips the called.” But, this guy used the example of the tabernacle—God gave the instructions for the tabernacle, and then told the Israelites to build it. The Israelites, in his illustration, didn’t come up with this idea of what they were going to do for God, God gave them the assignment and then told them how to do it. So, this guy’s saying (from what I can tell) that God never tells you to search out your gifts and then figure out what you should do for Him, it’s always the other way around. However, going back to the tabernacle example, God, yes, gave the assignment to build the tabernacle, but then skilled craftsmen got the job done. I mean, this place was awesome. Crazy architecture, crazy detailing, crazy amounts of gold, crazy tapestries and fabric work. Basically, it required people who were really good at what they did. So, God didn’t say, “Ok, take Joe Shmoe and tell him to make the curtain.” Joe Shmoe, who was really good at working with fabric, was commissioned for the job because that was his skill. So…I guess what I’m thinking here is that it’s not one way or the other. God uses both ways. He calls people who have a specific skill (for example, I wouldn’t want some random guy on the street performing surgery on me just because I had the need and he felt the call from the Lord…although, I’m sure God could work that way if He wanted to…), and He also equips people whom He calls (for example, I wouldn’t be here if this weren’t the case). So, basically, yes, we should always look for ways that God is working and join Him in that, not just asking Him to bless our own plans, but we shouldn’t ignore the path he’s led us on, either, or the skills that He’s given us to use. He’s given us talents for a reason. Basically, we can’t limit God to one way of working. Why the heck do we try to do this??? Any thoughts, oh faithful readers, would be welcomed and appreciated… P.S. Wonder of the day: Hiroaki, my wonderful, graduated buddy, came back and visited the school today. I was so excited to see him that I think I freaked him out a little bit J. He looks so grown up. It’s been great to see him go from meek, timid 8th grader to confident, leading 10th grader. And, I have to say, he’s turning into quite the little hottie, too! J

Saying Goodbye to Grandma I just came back from my grandma's house about an hour ago with my brother Chris, and he just left to go back to Toledo. It's the first time I've been alone this week (truly) and maybe even the first time I've ever been alone in this house. Being an introvert, I have been craving time alone to process, but now that it's finally here, I have to admit, I haven't felt this alone for a very, very long time. Today was really hard. Harder than I ever expected, I must say. The last couple days, seeing my grandma lying there, part of me just expected her to wake up. To me, I don't know if it's because I didn't see her sick, but she just seemed like she was sleeping. I kept, unconsciously, wanting to go up to her and hug her. I kept wanting her to grab my wrists, like she always did, and tell me how much she loved me. Every time I've been home, beyond my parents and brothers, she's been number one on my priority list of people to spend time with. And, honestly, I miss her. I really, really miss her. Like I said, I didn't expect this to be this hard, but it is. It hurts so bad. When they closed the casket today after her funeral, I just wanted to yell, "Not yet! I'm not ready!" I'm not ready to say goodbye yet. I'm not ready for that part of my life to end. I never wanted it to end. But end it must. Just like all in life. The pain will lessen. Time will heal. But right now it hurts a lot. A poem I have often thought of this week, made significant by special time spent with my dear friend Adriane: John Donne: Death Be not Proud Death be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so, For, those, whom thou think’st, thou dost overthrow, Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me. From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee, Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow, And soonest our best men with thee doe goe, Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie. Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, warre, and sicknesse dwell, And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well, And better then thy stroake; why swell’st thou then; One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally, And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.